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"Deep Thoughts with A-Rod"PCHA Champions | Welcome Back | SDSU vs. UCSD II | Oakland Sweep | Game Six | Battle for San Diego | SDSU @ Fresno | First Home Game | Arizona Road Trip Please note: The views expressed in this article are not neccessarily the views shared by the San Diego State University Ice Hockey team or any of its affiliates. Spaztecs win Championship, Now Looking for Love on Match.com The Aztecs, who lost their final game of the regular season to COC, won their first game of the playoffs against them on Friday by a score of 7-3. The Cougars, who had given the Aztecs their toughest game of the season just two weeks earlier, looked overwhelmed and frightened against SDSU, much like an overwhelmed and frightened child getting his ass handed to him by a far superior hockey team. Though the Cougars scored twice in the first minute of the game, this may have had something to do with SDSU goaltender Corey Jackson being blinded by COC’s awesomely terrible, bright yellow jerseys. The tide quickly turned, and the Aztec’s top defensive line of Aaron “Pudge” Puentes and Neer Perfection each put a biscuit in the basket. Freshman Alec Nadelle, some guy who makes dinosaur impressions, and Ben Nicoll also scored. The Aztecs faced the NAU Ice Jacks (not even a real animal, by the way) in the finals. Game One was held early on Saturday morning, and proved to be one of the most exciting games in PCHA finals history. Though the Aztecs jumped out to a quick 4-1 lead at the end of the first period, the Ice Jacks took advantage on the power-play and fought back to tie the game with only 9:26 left in the third period. After a scoreless overtime, the teams faced off in a five-man shootout. The Ice Jacks, unfortunately, were unaware that SDSU spends 90% of their practice time on breakaways, devoting the rest of the time to saucer passes and goal celebration routines. The Aztecs won by two goals; even after freshman Lane Smith’s short-side doozie was disallowed by head referee Dusan Mandic. Deep Thoughts encourages its readers to contact Referee Mandic for an explanation at his email: IceJacksHockey_SuperFan@nau.edu. “That shootout was crazy,” commented winning goaltender Jacob “No Fly” Kalmonson. “I was excited and scared all at the same time. Luckily, it looked like all the NAU players were aiming for the ‘A’ on my chest, which made stopping their shots a lot easier.” The second and final game of the best-of-three series was held Saturday night. The Aztecs gave NAU a 7-1 pistol-whipping to lock up the trophy. Though several Aztec players scored during the game, the official score sheet was eaten by freshman Kevin Kostick, apparently in a fit of euphoric pica brought on by the win. Regardless, the win proved once and for all that SDSU carries a roster of 26 Golden Gods. “I was so happy to win the big one,” said assistant coach Ben Smith after the game. “It vindicates all the days of work I skipped, all the relationships I destroyed, and all the money stealing I’ve done to get us here.” Smith, who took off his pants during the raucous celebration after the win, has yet to put them back on. When asked for comment, Smith informed Deep Thoughts that he wouldn’t be wearing pants until the team won nationals and/or he found said pants. Several Aztec players credited the championship to the team’s recently instituted “No Drinking” policy. Though the players originally understood the policy as a ban on drinking before or during games, after a clarification, the policy was unanimously agreed upon during the team meeting, held at Shenanigan’s Irish Pub. “The ban on drinking really helped,” commented alcoholically anonymous senior Tim Kletzel, who scored the game wining second goal off of a set play from Alex “The Lazy Eye” Allphin in the final game of the NAU series. “In addition to playing better hockey this weekend, I found out that I’m not illiterate after all. And apparently, I’m a terrible dancer.” The team would like to thank the city of Flagstaff for treating us with such hospitality during our short stay. Flagstaff, which is sometimes referred to as the “Riverside of Northern Arizona,” is a wonderful paradise of fast food and trains; the perfect destination for your next family vacation if you really hate your family. This championship is the second in SDSU history. The first was won in the 1997-98 season, when the famed Jeff “The Molester” Clark scored the winning goal with two minutes left in game three of the three-game series against St. Mary’s School for the Blind and Mildly Retarded. Though the league has greatly changed since, Clark still remembers his championship well. “I’d say that championship was the most valuable thing I got during my time at SDSU,” said Clark, who is currently between jobs and places to live, and who repeatedly asked for two dollars for bus fare during the brief interview. “I also got a degree in English.” The Aztecs now set their sights on a national championship. The boys will be traveling to Fort Wayne, Indiana (no longer an actual fort) to play for the glory of ACHA Division III World Champions of North America. The team leaves on the 27th, and could really use your donations, as our institution has diverted most of our allotted funds to a bronze statue of alumni Tony Gwynn simultaneously hitting a fast ball and kissing a small child. Please send donations in the form of cash, personal check, money order, or pure Colombian hash to: Tony Gwynn University of San Diego, 55th St., San Diego, CA, 92188. Editorial Note: Due to an oddly large number of Cheers marathons on TVLand recently, as well as the pesky annoyance of college, Deep Thoughts has been unable to post recently. Rather than recount to you the wonderful times we’ve had, a list of advice inspired by our misadventures has been compiled for your benefit:
Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Heart Attack - Mase The Aztecs, who hadn’t played a game since December 1st of 2006 and spent the majority of their holiday break playing darts and drinking whiskey, looked crap-baggish at best in the first minutes of the Sacramento State game. The team relied on solid forth-line center Tim “Night Train” Kletzel to start the scoring when he buried a pass from Erik “That Kid Who Does the Website and Always Seems Distracted” Ljung on the short side to score the first of the eventual ten goals. A melee of Aztec scoring followed, including four goals from freshman Alec Nadelle (two oh-my-gollies, one boy-howdy and one my-oh-my), which were all assisted by leading scorer Will Charland. “Our team played terribly,” commented assistant coach Ben Smith, who left the bench early in the first period to play with the pinball machine. “We should definitely practice or whatever.” (It should be noted that Smith seemed distracted during the brief interview, as he was still deeply involved in his pinball game.) The Aztecs showed their lighter, more girlish side in the rout of Sacramento State, taking only two penalties the entire game. The team, which usually amasses more penalty minutes than that during the warm-up skate, seemed disappointed that they did not receive more penalties. “I felt I was slashing and elbowing just as much as usual,” said senior Adam Geisler, who has 46 penalty minutes in 13 games. “I thought the ref was a little out of line not to send me to the box, where I think up all my best ideas.” San Diego State repeated their high scoring feats in Saturday night’s game against the poor bastards who have to go to school in Davis, California. The game was highlighted by freshman Ben Nicoll scoring the first four goals of the game, three of which were short-handed. The short-handed hat trick was a school record, the second school record Nicoll has achieved in his brief time on the team (the other was for consecutive nights taken to the ER for a non-hockey-related injury: six). “I was happy to score shorthanded,” said Nicoll, “but it would not have been possible without the help of my line mates, Matt [Bertolino] and Alex [Allphin]. Their selfless hooking, unsportsmanlike conduct, and slashing infractions made my hat-trick possible.” Next week the Aztecs face a far bigger challenge in their home and home series against California State University, Northridge. The CSUN Matadors received attention earlier this season when they attempted and failed to add a new rule to the league bylaws, which states: “Seriously guys, stop shooting so hard because it’s scary. Seriously.” Oh, and also there is a great sandwich shop in Northridge that most of the team is pretty excited to eat at. I forget what its called, but it’s really good. I’m gonna eat like ten sandwiches. The Friday, January 19th game against CSUN will start at 7:30 p.m. at the Kroc Center. Since it is the last home game of the season, the Aztecs will honor this year's graduating six- and seventh-year seniors with a post-game party at Shenanigan’s Irish Pub, located just east of the Kroc Center on the corner of University and Harbinson. Fans are encouraged to come out and celebrate the grads’ completion of college, and beginning of their slow, painful crawl toward death. SDSU vs. UCSD Part II The Aztec's top line of Will Charland, Alec Nadelle and Tony Savino provided most of the offensive firepower for the night scoring four orgasmic goals to keep the Aztecs in the lead. Freshman Ben Nicoll and primate John Gibbs also scored late in the third period to make it a 6-4 lead. But the Tritons battled back, scoring two goals on two power plays to take the game into overtime. The extra session was for naught, as a questionable penalty capped the Aztecs impressive offensive effort. At the end of the night, SDSU skated away with a very disappointing tie. Through the wonders of the Internet, the teams were able to start talking smack to each other a full day before the drop of the puck. The accusations thrown out regarding certain players and their affliction towards seat-less bicycling only furthered the games violent environment. Sadly, fans had to wait until the third period to see any action, when three UCSD players attempted to fight SDSU's captain, Mikel "The Hebrew Hammer" Stevens. Stevens handled the opposition like the Tritons make love: quick and ugly. "I remember when the team was undefeated," commented Freshman Joe Choi, "it seems like years ago now. This three game slump, it's really taken a toll on us all. I can't even cruise for chicks on my super-cool skateboard I'm so depressed, and [freshman] Ben Nicoll's hair is falling out." "Our team is like this really sad butterfly right now," said assistant coach Ben Smith, who, upon advice from an old Indian he met in a dream, has been using peyote as a substitute for coffee. "We need to spread our wings and fly, but they are on fire. Fire, you know, like hot burning laws forced upon us by the white-faced devil." The large crowd brought out by both UCSD and SDSU made the game more interesting. Both sides cheered passionately for their teams, although a large number of SDSU fans were asked to leave the rink for cheering with what was deemed inappropriately passionate. Triton fans, who are known for, among other things, poor social skills and sexual inexperience, devised several creative and uplifting chants to help their team throughout the game, including questioning SDSU goaltender Jacob Kalmonson's sexuality for a full period. "At first I was not bothered by crowd chanting that I was gay," said Kalmonson, "But then I heard my mom's voice join in the chant. Before long it just sounded like she was screaming random obscenities at me. It was pretty distracting." The UCSD band joined in the fun as well, playing spirited and humorous songs about SDSU's inferior academic premise, and about 15 Weezer covers. After the game, the members of the band returned to their dorms alone, where it is assumed that they played WarCraft for several hours before attempting to download naked pictures of Hilary Duff. Next week is a big one for the Aztecs, as they travel to the mysterious Northern territory of California to play San Jose State University. This will be a particularly special game for Junior Alex Allphin, who hails from this area. Allphin's parents have not allowed him to return home since he unsuccessfully attempted to teach the now deceased family dog, Rosie, how to repel from a second story window using only scotch tape and a plastic bag. In Allphin's defense, he was apparently trying preparing the dog for a fire evacuation. The Aztec's play their first game at 7:30pm on Friday, and then have a second game at 7:00pm on Saturday.Oakland Sweep Aztecs The Fighin' San Diegans looked like they were going to keep the streak alive on Friday night, jumping out to a quick 2-0 leading in the first period with scores by Junior Joseph Barrera and Senior William Charland. But the boys from Michigan struck back, scoring a whopping ten unanswered goals to ruthlessly crush and defecate upon the Aztecs hopes and dreams. "It was tough to go get totally plastered after that first loss," said Senior Tim Kletzel. "Make no mistake, however. We did get totally plastered". Other members of the team agreed, commenting that the post game parties usual brightly colored balloons, confetti and "We're #1" banner seemed out of place if not totally uncalled for. The second game of the series was held at 11am on Sunday morning, a full six hours before the team usually gets up. Oakland had amassed a five-goal lead before the Aztecs began sobering up. Near the end of the second period, however, Freshman Lane "NoDak" Smith put SDSU on the board. Freshman Alec Nadelle, who was recently voted president of the SDSU leather whip club, scored moments later to cut the lead to three. The Golden Grizzlies held on to the lead in the third, despite goals by Sophomore Roland Breitenstein, Charland and Smith. The Aztecs gave up an unprecedented four powerplay goals in the loss, leading many to question the team's new "Slash first, puck second" game plan. "It was a tough weekend for all of us," said assistant coach Ben Smith, who received word this weekend that his favorite band, N*Sync , would not be returning the studio to record their highly anticipated fourth album. "Sometimes you don't realize how much you love something until it's gone." Despite the losses, the weekend did have some highlights. Barrera's goal in the first game was also his first of the season, and a dandy one at that. "I was very happy to put one in the net," said Barrera. "Coach [David] Hough threatened to kill my parents if I didn't score. While this tactic may have endanger the lives of my family, I think he meant well". Coach Hough declined to give a formal comment on the matter, and was heard to mumble, "I'll kill everyone's parents" under his breath shortly after. It also seems that several of the Oakland University players had been readers of Deep Thoughts prior to the games. The Oakland players were such fans of this publication that they compared head writer Alex Allphin's celebrity in Michigan to that of former Baywatch star David Hasselhoff's celebrity in Germany. It is common for people living in terrible backwards places like these to grasp on to dynamic figures such as Hasselhoff and Allphin. The Aztecs look to redeem themselves this weekend as they once again square off against the University of California: San Diego. And just as Stella got her groove back in the 1998 classic, SDSU too looks to get its groove back, albeit with a win rather than sexual promiscuity. The game starts at 10:45pm at UTC. The game will be played at the rink directly below the Hot Dog on a Stick restaurant. The proximity of these delicious corn dogs will undoubtedly hurt the concentration of the Aztecs. On a final note, Deep Thoughts would once again like to apologize for the tardiness of this article. Luckily for our writers, deadlines are not a factor in the real world of Sports Journalism. Game Six: NAU @ SDSU The San Diego State Aztecs demolished the Northern Arizona Ice Jacks at home on Friday, laying a crazy good 8-3 beat-down. The fightin' San Diegans are now 6-0, their best start in a long time probably. Freshman Adam Mark scored on his first shift of his first league game with the Aztecs, pushing in a rebound to put the Aztec's up 1-0 early. Half-man half-ape John Gibbs, and freshman Lane Smith also scored their first goals of the season. "I was excited to score my first goal on my first shot on my first shift," commented Mark after the game. The rest of the team generally agreed that the story, when told anecdotally at a party, would help Mark get girls into his bed. Goaltender Corey Jackson played stellar between the pipes, stopping 27 shots to earn his third win of the season. Jackson, who plays with the fire of 1,000 hells, nearly killed a NAU player with a punch to the face after an altercation in front of his net. His fists are considered by the state of California to be deadly weapons. The victim of his attack is still in intensive care as of this writing, but to be fair, he totally deserved it. Senior Adam Geisler was booted from the contest early for amassing too many (five) penalties. Geisler is known as a gentle spirit with a warm heart off the ice, so it came as a great surprise to the team when he was whistled for hooking, roughing, suplexing, tripping and aggravated assault. "I deserved the penalties for roughing and hooking," said Geisler, "But referees need to be more aware of the difference between a simple conversation with the opponent and aggravated assault. They have to hold themselves to a higher standard". Senior William Charland extended his points lead with another two-goal game. After the game, Charland was awarded the "game puck" for his efforts. Charland looked slightly annoyed after receiving it, then threw it away, complaining that he had no more room in his trophy case. "Our team played well I guess," commented assistant coach Benjamin Smith, who seemed preoccupied behind the bench texting hot local single women on "Live Chat", a 1-800 dating service, during the game. "But it was a little loud in there. They should be more quiet while skating, just as a courtesy." The late start game resulted in a smaller than usual crowd, as most of the loyal fan base was passed out in various allies and gutters by the 10:45 pm start. Still, those in attendance had a great time. The teams expects a big, totally hammered crowd for next weeks early start game. Next week the Aztecs host Oakland University, traveling to play all the way from Michigan. Oakland University, famous for alumni such as Tupac Shakur, Mac Dre and E-40, is a nationally ranked ACHA organization. Game one of the series will be on Friday at 7:30 pm, and game two will be at 10:45 am on Sunday. All guests are advised not to wear red or blue bandanas, and to please leave all automatic and semi-automatic weapons outside the Kroc Center. Battle for San Diego? The Aztecs scored early and often, amassing a 3-0 lead after the first, and a 7-3 lead by the end of the second. Though UCSD showed signs of a comeback, the Aztecs' potent offense was too much for the Tritons. Freshman Tony Savino and Anthony Sansone, as well as points leader Will Charland, all had two goal nights. Captain Mikel Stevens also scored early in first, and leads all defensemen with six points. Crowd favorite Matt Bertolino, as well as freshman Ben Nicoll and team president Adam York also scored in the game. Fans came to enjoy the great hockey action, but stayed for the fights in the second and third periods. Though no suspensions were handed out, there were about four altercations before the game ended. "I was simply minding my own business after the whistle blew, reflecting on the strong morals and values that have exemplified our team this year," commented junior Aaron Puentes, "when one of the UCSD players starting punching me. Naturally, I immediately thought to put him in the 'Diamond Cutter' submission move I learned from WCW's Diamond Dallas Page. Once he was down, I was planning on giving him 'The People's Elbow' like the Rock used to do, but I thought it would look cliché." Junior Tommy Neer also traded punches late in the second period."The guy tried to break my arm," said Neer, "but guess what? You can't break steel." The highlight of the game may have been the rare penalty shot awarded to freshman Tony Savino in the second period. Savino was able to score, but admitted afterwards that the pressure of the deafening crowd before the shot made him "pee a little." The only low point of the game was the unheard-of six minutes in penalties amassed by former ACHA Lady Byng trophy winner Alex Allphin. "I was appalled," the world-renowned tap dancer retorted "Is it really even hockey if you can't trip, hook or pistol-whip?" Allphin expects an apology from the league within the week. "I wish I could have been there to see this win," commented Assistant Coach Ben Smith, who was in New York attending the last dates of Barbra Streisand's "Farewell Tour." "But my priorities have always been Streisand first, modeling second, and hockey a distant third." Junior Jacob Kalmonson was, as usual, excellent in goal, bumping his record to 3-0. Kalmonson's play has greatly improved since he stopped taking non-prescription Viagra before his starts. As always, the Aztecs were glad to be cheered on by their growing and loyal fan base, now lovingly referred to as "Those Drunk Kids Banging On The Glass." "It was amazing that all those fans came out to cheer me and me alone," said assistant captain and raging narcissist Will Charland after the game. "The fans were awesome," said team manager and spiritual advisor Chris Wheeler. While Wheeler was impressed by the turnout this week, he hopes that next week's crowd will be even larger. "Next week we implement the new 'no pants, no problem' policy to get more people in the door. I can't foresee this backfiring in any way." The Aztecs have another home game next week against the Northern Arizona University Jacks. As a special promotion, fans are encouraged to bring their pet rabbits to the game. However, in cooperation with Kroc Center Regulations, rabbits will be shot at the door. Game starts at 10:45pm, fights start around 11:00ish. Game Four- SDSU at Fresno State The Aztecs drove a full six hours to get to Fresno (more commonly known as the anus of America), and the results of the long drive were visible on the ice, as the team fell down by a goal early in the first period. The Aztecs struck back in the second period, receiving a timely goal from point's leader and James Blunt fan Alec Nadelle, and the first of freshman Tony Savino's two-goal night. Matt Bertolino and Roland Breitenstien also scored. Sophomore Kyle Levesque became the first member of the well-liked "remedial line" to light the lamp, with his totally non-accidental tip-in goal in the second period. "I was glad to have finally scored," commented Levesque after the game. "I thought the steroids weren't working or something." Late in the third period, freshman Anthony Sansone was tossed from the game after receiving a roughing penalty. After receiving the initial penalty, Sansone decided to practice his screaming in the quiet of the penalty box, which the referees mistook as signs of disagreement with the call. Sansone was escorted quickly to the locker room, where it is presumed that he continued his screaming practice. All things considered, the coaching staff was happy to leave Fresno with a win. "I never like coming to Fresno," commented assistant coach and toy poodle enthusiast Benjamin Smith. "This town's lack of an ocean and at least ten trendy night clubs both frightens and confuses me." Despite the loss, the Bulldogs proved to be tough competition for the Aztecs. Fresno relied heavily on their best player, Head referee Frank Earl. His unique ability to control the flow of the game in favor of the Bulldogs by simply refusing to penalize his team allowed Fresno to stay in the game. The Aztecs were back on the road to San Diego around 9pm, shortly after being kicked out of a local Applebee's. While the drive was tough, a few members of the team were able to enjoy the trip. "I loved seeing the sites of central California," said sophomore Roland Breitenstien. "I am personally fascinated and aroused by farmland. It reminds me of my old days growing up on the farm". Breitenstien is from Los Angeles, and never lived on a farm. The Aztecs face off against cross-town rival UCSD this Friday at the Kroc Center. The Aztecs look to avenge their devastating post-season loss to the Tritons in last season's playoffs. The game will start at 9pm. However, in response to the last home game, we must insist that our female fans resist throwing their underwear onto the ice. This weekend is also "Parents Weekend" here at SDSU. To give thanks, the Aztecs will hold a special, private post-game ceremony at Shenanigan's Irish Pub, where they will run up bar tabs on their parent's credit cards. Shenanigan's is three traffic lights east of the Kroc Center on University Ave; look for the sign of the joyous dancing leprechaun next to a wonderful rainbow and a bottomless pot of gold. CORRECTIONS: Deep Thoughts would like to apologize to assistant coach Benjamin Smith for falsely reporting that he was openly gay. Smith would like to thank our readers, however, for helping him receive a record 200 views of his MySpace page. 10/5/06- First Home Game A record crowd that came out to support the team, which made the game even sweeter. More than 200 fans were in attendance for the win, filling all available space at Kroc Center. "It was great having so many people out," commented openly gay assistant coach Benjamin Smith. "I was able to make a lot of new MySpace friends after the game." The Aztecs started out the night with a beautiful power-play goal by leading scorer Will Charland. Rookie Tommy Neer also scored the first of his two goals in the first period, thanks to a brilliant assist by Vice President and lady-killer Alex Allphin. Before the night was over, freshmen Tony Savino, Alec Nadelle, Ben Nicholl, Nick Garett, and Captain Mikel Stevens also lit the lamp. Goaltender Jacob Kalmonson had an impressive showing, stopping all but three of the twenty-three shots he faced. Kalmonson is undefeated in league play so far this season, and attributes his .909 save average to a healthy diet of Old English and cigarettes. The game was slowed down considerably by the 78 penalty minutes called during play. The Aztecs, who were responsible for 44 of those minutes, were rarely allowed on the ice at full strength. Most players on the team agree that the infractions became ridiculous when Junior Aaron Puentes received a penalty from the head referee for "looking at me funny." The highlight of the game came in the second period, when freshman Alec Nadelle scored an ESPN worthy top-shelf goal. "After watching Alec score that goal, I need to change my underwear." Said assistant coach Vincent Ciolino. When asked why his underwear needed to be changed as a result of a goal, Ciolino sheepishly replied that the tally had "violently rattled his weakened colon." The team has begun referring to Ciolino as Coach Poopy-Pants. The Aztecs must travel up to Fresno, California this weekend to play the Bulldogs once more. The team was scheduled to play against Cal State Northridge as well, but the CSUN Matadors decided to reschedule their impending ass-whooping until they were more mentally prepared. 10/1/06 - Arizona Road Trip The Ice Jack's home opener drew a crowd of about 100 hockey-frenzied, squishy-faced fans, but the cheering was in vain. Freshman Tony Savino started the scoring for the Aztecs just after the five-minute mark of the first period. Senior Adam Geisler also lit the lamp before the first period was through. Junior Mikel Stevens and team president Adam York scored in the second period, and senior Will Charland and freshman Joe Choi finished out the scoring in the third. Goaltender Jacob Kalmonson stopped 32 shots to record the win. The Aztecs recorded their second win early on Sunday morning against the neutered Bulldogs, who were skating with a short bench. Senior Matt Bertolino scored twice and assisted once in the nine-nil slaughter. Freshmen Alec Nadelle and Ben Nicholl also scored the first goals of their promising SDSU careers. Goaltender Corey Jackson stopped a whopping 17 shots to record his first shutout of the season. "I was happy with our teams play," commented assistant coach Benjamin Jack, who tagged along on the road trip despite not getting an invitation. "Though I still don't really understand the rules of hockey, it looked like our team was generally skating in the right direction, and not letting the other team get that little black thing in our goal." True to their reputation as bad-asses, the Aztecs amassed a total of 60 minutes in penalties, which is equal to one full episode of the hit series "Gilmore Girls". Though many of the infractions were due to the ACHA's new "Zero-Tolerance" policy towards playing hockey the way it was meant to be played, a few old-fashioned roughing penalties were still whistled. As an added bonus, benevolent and paunchy coach David Hough treated the young Aztecs to a pre-season Phoenix Coyotes game against the Anaheim Ducks. The team had a great time, though it was generally agreed that Chris Pronger still skates like my grandma. It was also generally agreed that Senior Tim Kletzel takes his pants off in public places too often. The SDSU Aztecs face off against the UC Irvine Ant-Eaters this Friday at the Kroc center at 9pm. |
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