"Deep Thoughts with A-Rod"

Spaztecs Ruin DII | Nigel's Story | Battle of San Diego | Vegas Vacation | Ramblin' Gambler | Home Opener

Please note: The views expressed in this article are not neccessarily the views shared by the San Diego State University Ice Hockey team or any of its affiliates.

Spaztecs Respond to Wave Hockey101 Message Board Slander With Clear Message: “We’re Going To Kick You All in The Genitals. Hard.”

The San Diego State Ice Hockey Club won again this past weekend, beating CSU Northridge to hit the legendary, never-before-seen “21 wins” mark. The Aztecs beat the Matadors by 12-1 on Friday at Kroc Center in front of one of the biggest crowds of the season. The Fightin’ Diegans now hold a San Diego State Hockey record of 21 wins, which greatly overshadows their highly forgettable and extremely unimportant single loss to some team most can’t even recall.

“It feels great to hit 21 wins,” commented assistant coach Ben Smith after Saturday’s game. “And I think it has a lot to do with switching the teams main focus from celebrating goals, and putting it back on the fundamental smack talking game. Our ability to say terrible things about the opposition’s families and appearances has really helped us hit new heights.”

The lopsided game began with a goal from the new top line of sophomores Alec Nadelle, Ben Nicoll, and Anthony Sansone. Nadelle had five points in the contest, Nicoll had six, and Sansone was able to notch two points. The line unofficially leads the league in scoring against CSU Northridge while playing at Kroc Center in San Diego.

“The Perfect Pushup has everything to do with it,” commented Nadelle when asked what he credited the overwhelming success to. When asked if he thought the scoring would get harder soon, Nadelle simply replied, “That’s what she said.”

The blowout was highlighted by supercilious, back-to-back, short-handed goals (both shorthanded goals were during a 5 on 3) by the Spaztecs in the second period. Nicoll and graduate student Kolin Ozonian both scored when CSU Northridge had a two-man advantage. The short-handed domination had nothing to do with the leading-man good looks of line four’s Patrick Appel and Alex Allphin. But they are ridiculously, ridiculously, good looking.

Sophomore Adam Mark, dangler status Jeff Vicencio, sophomore Lane Smith, chain-smoking freshman Nigel Schroeder, Scientology major Eric Fruen, and senior Aaron Puentes also had goals in the contest.

Goaltender Jacob Kalmonson stopped 16 shots in the win. He was also able to knit a brown sweater during the game, though the quality of the sweater is very poor.

The Aztecs drew another great crowd out for the game. Our loyal fan base, Thosedrunkkidsbangingontheglass, have really worked hard to devise clever chants to distract the opposition’s goalie. One of Deep Thoughts’ favorites goes like this: “Hey Goalie, you [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] you little [expletive] [expletive], why don’t you [expletive] your [expletive] like [expletive] in [expletive] Thursday [expletive] cherry pie!”

Fans are encouraged to come out and support the mighty Spaztecs in their final game at Kroc Center this Friday at 9 p.m. If you can’t make it to Kroc of Friday, the final game of the season will be held at the Escondido Iceoplex this Saturday at 7:30 p.m. Remember, this is your last chance to see the boys in action, unless you’ve made dolls of each player and are able to effectively act out what a game would look like with said dolls. And even then, watching a real game would probably be more fun. Unless the dolls heads pop off when they get hit.

Other News

Captain Mikel Stevens was absent from the roster again, which most speculate to be punishment for his wussiness.

“I have a broken arm,” Stevens commented in his own defense. Stevens has even been seen wearing a cast to try to sell his case. Experts don’t seem to be buying the sob story, however, and Stevens’ fantasy ranking continued to plummet to 234th, just above Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry, Todd Bertuzzi, Chris Pronger, and the rest of the crap-sacks that play for Anaheim.

----

A recent wave of criticism of the team has emerged on the popular hockey discussion site, Hockey101.com. The online community overwhelmingly objected to coach David Hough’s comments speculating the outcome of a game between SDSU and a well-established NCAA Division I hockey school. Hough said we’d give them a game, but we’d lose.

“Coach Hough was wrong to say that we’d give Boston University a game,” said new SDSU spokesperson Alex Allphin while addressing the media in a news conference scheduled to clear up the matter. “If given a game against a prestigious organization like that, we would play them, win the game by a large margin, and fornicate with their wives and girlfriends after the contest. And I invite any Division I school to fly us out for a game. (We’ll need 29 rooms, king, non-smoking.) Hell, I’ll even bet $10,000 of the team’s money that we’ll win by a dozen goals.”

(When asked about the legality of such a wager, Allphin repeatedly attempted to bet more team money that it was indeed legal. He also attempted to bet third-line forward Mickey Greco.)

But the Spaztecs don’t even have $10,000 dollars to recklessly bet*, which is another good reason you should consider donating to the team using the pay-pal button on the bottom right of our website’s main page.

*We promise to recklessly bet the money. We’ll put it towards the team’s expensive trip to the National Tournament in Minnesota coming up in March, and we’ll thank you very kindly for any financial support you can give.

back to top>>

Spaztecs Donate Christmas Dinner to Victims of 13-0 Win Over UNLV
The San Diego State Aztecs Ice Hockey Club finished a season sweep of Division-II University of Nevada, Las Vegas last weekend. The two wins bring the Aztec’s record against ACHA division-II opponents to 6-0, and their overall record to 16-0. The Fightin’ Diegans dispatched the Red Rebels in a 13-0 blowout on Friday, and a tense 7-6 overtime win on Saturday.

“The two big wins and the undefeated record are great,” commented Assistant Coach Ben Smith. “But they don’t count as gifts. I expect the boys to get me actual gifts, as accomplishments are not returnable.” Coach Smith requested that fans buy him Tru-Religion jeans, boots with the fur, or “anything Streisand.”

Friday night’s unexpectedly lopsided score may have had something to do with the Aztec’s excitement of playing their first home game in over a month. The team was dragged to exotic locals such as Sacramento, Davis, Valencia, Ontario, and Long Beach in November, and, most of the team complained of fatigue from adjusting to the constant time changes, despite several attempted explanations of the way time zones work by sophomore Adam Mark.

Game one was highlighted by a hat trick from graduate student Kolin Ozonian, whose unassisted coast-to-coast effort started the Aztecs in the right direction only five minutes into the game.

“It felt good to punish Las Vegas,” said Ozonian after the game. “I lost about $3,000 and a great pair of pants when I was in Vegas. The blowout doesn’t replace those pants, but it helps.”

Bobby Finley, Captain Mikel Stevens, Roland Breinstien, Kevin Kostick, Nigel Schroeder, Ben Nicoll, Lance Peterson, Eric Fruen and Alec Nadelle all had goals in the beat-down on Friday night. And they all told their parents and girlfriends that their goal was by far the most important in the win.

Goaltender and author of Chicken Soup for the Homeless Looking Person’s Soul had 31 saves in the win. This stat is made more impressive when take you take into account that Jake was asleep for the greater portion of the second period.

Saturday’s contest, which was held at Escondido Iceoplex to thank the team’s east county fans for their overwhelming support, proved far more competitive. UNLV was able to capitalize on SDSU’s frequent visits to the sin bin by scoring four power play goals.  

“There was a delicious chocolate fountainin there” clarified sophomore Ben Nicoll, who had two penalties during the contest.

UNLV scored the first goal of the game while freshman Nigel Schroeder served time for bringing the sexy back to hockey. The Aztecs battled back however, banking an impressive goal from the famed Nicoll-Finley combo and goals from Stevens and sophomore bacon-lover Lane Smith to take a 3-1 lead at the end of the first period.

UNLV briefly tied the game at four a piece during the second period, but freshman Lance Peterson nailed a pants-wetter from just inside the point right before the end of the second to give the Aztecs the lead headed into the final period. Head coach David Hough likened watching Peterson’s goal to “watching the sunrise from atop Mount Olympus, while getting a backrub from Zeus.”

Peterson hit another snapper from the top of the circle at the start of the third period to put the Aztecs up 6-4, but the Red Rebels scored two more power play goals to tie the game six-all at the end of regulation. Despite senior Alejandro Asto-Nieto’s repeated requests to allow us to have a staring contest to solve the tie, the officiating staff called a five-minute overtime.

With 3:40 seconds left, Bobby Finley threw a dandy pass to a streaking Lane Smith, who threw a little more dazzle on the puck and passed it to junior Jeff “Dangles” Vicencio. Dangles was kind enough to deposit it on the far side of the net to preserve the undefeated season.

“That game-winner was for the nickel-and-dime, baby,” said Vicencio after the game, referring to the 510 area code of the Bay Area, from which he hails. “That one went out to E-40, Mac Dre, Keak Da Sneak, and the newest hyphy sensation to blow up yo’ FM, Dangles-Supreme. Go dumb ya’ll.” The writers of Deep Thoughts have no idea what the hell Vicencio was talking about.

The Spaztecs now focus their attention to finals and the holiday season. But hockey will never be too far from their mostly blank-thoughts, as UC Irvine comes to the Kroc on January 11th for a rematch of the one of the closest games SDSU has won so far this year. As always, SDSU hockey encourages fans to come out to game and cheer on the undefeated squad, though we insist the fans refrain from rioting and starting car fires on University Avenue after the eventual 17th win.

The writers of Deep Thoughts appreciate the patience of our loyal fan base over the last month. Though no one is sure of the exact cause of the absence of the column, there are several theories floating around out there. Some of the more popular include:

• The head writer was kidnapped from his home and forced to assemble holiday decorations for the Wal-Mart corporation in a den in Northern China that smelled like urine and garlic chicken
• The writing staff was paid handsomely to write the script for the upcoming feature-length movie Courage Under Fire, starring Meg Ryan as Nigel Schroeder.
• The writers were unable to find their computers because it was dark and Aaron Puentes won’t let us turn on the damn lights.
• Cheers Marathon.
• The producers of SDSUHockey.com outsourced the Deep Thoughts column to a small company in Tijuana, but only received unconnected excerpts from Don Quixote with expletives added in every few words.  Took them a few weeks to tell the difference.
• The writing staff consists of only one writer, and he has focused his efforts on growing a moustache and drinking.

Regardless of the actual reason for the missing columns, we can assure you that Deep Thoughts will be back on its regular, sorta-weekly-but-usually-not schedule soon.

Finally, the SDSU hockey family would like to wish you and your family a happy holiday season. Remember: if you’re giving someone a puppy for Christmas, you have to poke holes in the box or the thing will die, and then you have to try to play it off like you actually wanted to give that person a dead dog, and you just look weird.

Happy Holidays!

back to top>>

Courage Under Fire: The Nigel Schroeder Story
Among all the hyperbole of television news and constant attention from other media outlets, those outside of San Diego could become overwhelmed and disconnected to the destruction of the recent California wildfires. Somewhere among the special reports and shots of Anderson Cooper’s classically handsome features, our country may have forgotten that real people just like themselves where victimized by these infernos. Gas station attendants, social workers, hockey fans and ugly people all felt a very real heat from the army of flames, and were forced to flee their homes and possessions for safety. Often overlooked by those tuning into CNN is that at times tragedy not only breeds fear and panic, but also invokes a special breed of heroism in the most unlikely places.

Rather than report on San Diego State Ice Hockey’s impressive 11-2 victory over College of the Canyons, Deep Thoughts will take a look at one hockey player’s story of courage, compassion, and wisdom in a time of turmoil.

Nigel Schroeder is one of the newest additions to the Aztec Hockey family. A smaller sized forward with a tenacious yet controlled style of play, Nigel has earned a spot on the Spaztec’s second line with his exceptional play. Off the ice, he a soft spoken, gentle man, who very well could have been the child of Dustin Hoffman and Bates Battaglia given his demeanor. A quick scan of Nigel’s Facebook profile shows his wholesome and simple interests: “Hockey, babez, music, lax.”  It is almost impossible to see the hero hidden behind his every-day persona.

“I can confirm that Nigel is a player on our team,” commented assistant coach Ben Smith. “I have not spoken to him, ever, and I do not intend to, but I am positive that he is on the team, and occasionally looks at me.”

Nigel’s childhood home in Del Mar was among many in the fire’s path last week when the virtually uncontainable flames were moving their quickest. Despite numerous invitations to school-cancellation parties in the San Diego State area, Nigel felt he should return home and do what he could to protect his family.

“I had to miss some sweet parties,” commented Nigel. “but it’s about priorities. Family first, parties second. Academics a distant, distant third.”

When he arrived home, Nigel quickly came to understand that in order to protect his family, he would have to gather all his courage and keen fire-prevention insight, and proactively fight the impending disaster. Nigel said he was aware of the danger to an extent. This limited fire safety knowledge was an invaluable asset in his courageous effort.

“My understanding is that fire is hot and often times dangerous when found in the wild,” said fire expert and assistant coach Vince Ciolino. “Most people don’t realize that when humans come in contact with fire, their blood melts or something like that, and usually they die or can’t move for awhile. Nigel was brave to try to protect his family considering the danger.”

With flames only a short 10 miles from his home, Nigel began to panic for his family’s safety.

“I panicked” admitted Nigel.

Panic set in. But panic quickly turned to determination to live. Experts agree that Nigel’s will to survive was far greater than ordinary person’s. He was like a tiger or a criminal, or a criminal tiger, ready to do anything in the name of preserving the lives of his family.

“We have a tree by our house,” Nigel recounts. “Decent size, about a fifteen footer. I thought it might catch on fire.”

Nigel understood almost instantaneously that this tree was an unlit candle in the wind; a potential deathblow to his home and his well-being. Nigel knew what he had to do.

“I convinced my Dad to let me cut down the tree because it was a fire hazard.”

Nigel, with smoke filling his lungs and ash raining down upon him with the fury of 1,000 hells, willed himself to chop down the tree. A harrowing 15 minute battle with the thick bark and wood ensued. Rumor has it that a crowd formed to watch the heroic effort, and a glorious cheer was audible from all corners of Del Mar when the beast finally fell.

“It was instinct. I’d do it again if I ever got the chance.”

Most agree that, while the fire never came much closer than 10 miles, it was Nigel’s heroic chopping that saved his home and his family, if not all of the portions of Del Mar that weren’t destroyed by the fire.

To no one’s surprise, Nigel was prepared to go out and chop down another tree in the family yard, but his father would not allow it, making the wise decision that Nigel’s life was more important to the world than eliminating another fire hazard.

“I guess what he did was pretty heroic,” said Mike Sugich, an SDSU hockey alum and current firefighter who battled the fires for nearly five days last week. “Trees do occasionally catch on fire.”

It is clear that Nigel’s heroism is a story we could all learn from. It shows us that even in the darkest hour the human spirit is capable of great feats of survival. That even when the flames of hell are literally less than 10 miles away, even a soft-spoken hockey player can find the courage deep within to emerge a hero.

A petition to erect a bronze state of Nigel cutting down the tree began circulating the college area this past Monday. So far, 18 people have signed, and surely thousands more will add their names after reading this heartfelt tail.

back to top>>

AZTECS WIN BATTLE OF SAN DIEGO, SET FIRE TO CITY
The San Diego State Aztecs Ice Hockey Club beat the UC San Diego Tritons last Friday night by a score of 6-1. With the win, the Fightin’ Diegan’s are now 6-0 on the season, which has been mathematically proven to be the best record you can have after six games.

After two impressive wins by UC San Diego the week prior, last Friday’s showdown looked to be a battle of the two best teams in the PCHA. In addition to playing for league supremacy, the two teams were also playing to find out, once and for all, whom the City of San Diego would save if both teams were drowning and they could only save one.

“I’m sure they played a good game, but there are more important things to be worrying about in this time of crisis,” commented assistant coach Ben Smith, who had amazing hair at the game and the game’s after-party. “Lindsay Lohan, or LiLo as I like to call her, just got out of rehab, and her manager books her to host a party at LAX in Las Vegas?! It’s terrible. A disaster like this can really put things into perspective. It makes you realize that there are important things in life than hockey.”

The Aztecs jumped out to an early lead after freshman Lance Peterson sniped a shot over the UCSD goaltender from just above the hash marks. The goal was followed by a fist pump, several high fives, and at least four “F*** YEAH”s.

Sophomore Adam Mark tallied the second goal with a beautiful mid-air redirect of a shot from Junior Jonathan Gibbs. Mark is off to a blazing start, and is projected to have a career year for points. He credits the sudden offensive success to switching from a women’s jock to a men’s jock.

After going up 3-0 at the end of the second period off a goal from Roland “Slow-fire” Breitenstein, UC San Diego scored their lone goal during a power play at the start of the third.

The remainder of the game was more of a showcase of the Aztecs goal-scoring abilities, with a coast-to-coast effort by Tommy Neer, a dandy danderson by Alec Nadelle from Kolin Ozonian, and a breakaway goal from Ozonian in the waning seconds of the contest. Need proof the Spaztecs ability to make biscuits look sexy while putting them into baskets? SDSU leads the nation in goal-scoring sexiness, goal celebration length, and penalties for excessive air humping during said goal celebrations.

The highlight of the game may have been former Laguna Beach cast member Kolin Ozonian’s breakaway goal with .1 seconds time left on the clock. The goal served as a warning to UC San Diego for next game: SDSU scores whenever the hell SDSU wants to score.

“No, I don’t think my goal was unnecessary at all.,” replied Ozonian when asked about his goal after the game. “I used to play for that team. They’re capable of making a four-goal come back in .1 seconds. But I know they can’t make a five-goal come back in .1 seconds.” Ozonian supported Lauren “LC” Conrad while he lived in the OC, but only because he felt that Kristen didn’t appreciate Stephen like she should have.

SDSU set a new record for attendance at the game, and the famously rowdy fans did not disappoint. In addition to screaming insults at the UCSD goal-keeper during the game, the fans, lovingly referred to as Those Drunk Kids Pounding on the Glass, brought signs, dressed in SDSU swag, and got into a least one fight, possibly more. While the SDSU Aztecs cannot officially condone this type of behavior, Deep Thoughts can. High-fives all around for The Drunk Kids Pounding on the Glass!

The SDSU B team will be playing COC Friday at 9pm at Kroc Center, and the A team will face off against NAU on Saturday night at 5:30pm at the Escondido Iceoplex. Fans are encouraged to come out and support the team for both games, but are advised to check the website before attending the NAU game, as the Escondido Iceoplex is currently closed due to the California Wild-fires.

 back to top >>

SDSU Hockey Reviews The Good Days Inn Hotel in Las Vegas: One Star

San Diego State Aztecs Ice Hockey kept their unbeaten streak alive with a sweep of Division-II rival University of Nevada, Las Vegas. The Fightin’ Diegan’s won both games in dramatic fashion, taking the first game 6-5 in overtime, and holding off a blistering Rebel attack in the last minutes of the second game to win 3-2. The Aztecs have a shiny 3-0 record so far this season.

“The guys played great, absolutely magical out there,” commented former assistant coach Ben Smith, who, after seeing a Lance Burton show, decided to pursue a career as a Las Vegas magician.

“When you put on a show like that, you can feel the magic in your soul, and you just have to barf it out or whatever and let the crowd just gobble it up, because it’s like the most delicious meal they’ve ever tasted when you give it to them. It’s called showmanship, all the best have it.” Smith’s first show is on the corner of Fremont and 6th Street tomorrow night. Admission is free.

The first game of the series, perhaps one of SDSU’s best-played games in recent memory, started off quite poorly. The rebels took advantage of a lack-luster offense and confused defense (why would the world’s largest thermometer would be built in Baker, Nevada?) to pop four quick goals past the Aztecs.

Yet even before the end of the first, the comeback began. The new top line for the Aztecs came through when sophomore Alec “Elian Gonzalez” Nadelle found the back of the net off a play from new Aztec and local Las Vegas celebrity Kolin Ozonian.

Junior Roland Breitenstien scored the second goal on a breakaway pass from admitted Ducks fan Eric Fruen. The breakaway actually took around three minutes to complete, though the mule-like power forward was still able to elude the UNLV defense and slip the puck in the net.

“Once I got the puck, I just started skating as fast as I could,” said Breitenstien after the game. “I heard the bench yelling, so I slowed down and started yelling back to see what they wanted. I guess they were just cheering, but people say I’m a good listener and I really value that.”

The highlight of the game may just belong to rookie Bobby Finley, who was playing sore with a separated shoulder. After scoring off a pass from fish-enthusiast and all-star passer Lane Smith, Finley collided with the net, dislodging his shoulder. Then, using the boards, he popped his shoulder back in place mid-celebration and continued on his way. To no one’s surprise, Finley was voted “Most Savage” in his High School yearbook.

After captain Mikel Stevens and the ferociously dandy Ozonian scored to give SDSU a 5-4 lead with minutes left in the third, UNLV was able to tie the game off a quick rush to force overtime. Boy, was that a stupid idea.

The Aztec’s needed less than a minute of the extra session before rookie Lance Peterson hit the inside crossbar from the point. While it looked as though the puck went in, Breitenstien popped in a low rebound just to be safe.

“That first win was huge,” said all-star defensemen Aaron Puentes, who some say looks like a very hairy Jake Gyllenhaal. “We were lucky to get out of there with a win. I don’t know about the rest of the team, but I just couldn’t think about anything but seeing Celine Dion in concert all weekend.”

Game two wasn’t nearly as exciting, though the Aztecs did win in the final period of the game. Starting goaltender Jacob Kalmonson played brilliantly to protect the lead provided by the phenom himself Kolin Ozonian.

“They had some solid pressure in the last minutes of the game,” commented Kalmonson. “During the whole stretch, I just tried to imagine all the strippers and gambling I wouldn’t be able to enjoy if I let the puck in. It worked pretty well”.  Kalmonson was awarded the game puck for his late efforts, which he promptly bet and lost playing Pai Gow poker.

The celebration of the sweep was glorious to say the least. And while Deep Thoughts would like to give a detailed report on the debauchery, the information provided would surely ruin the good names of at least half the players on the team. No one was arrested or hurt, everyone made it home, and, if she is pregnant, rookie Nigel Schroeder said he intends to raise the child on the weekends, in between poker tournaments.

The Aztecs travel to Irvine and Fresno next weekend to play two PCHA league games, and knock out a little of that court-ordered community service. The Fresno trip will be one of only two Northern California appearances the Spaztecs have scheduled this year. Deep Thoughts encourages all our fans up north to come out and enjoy the game, and bring some cash too because that money you gave me to pay rent is currently being held for me by the Mandalay Bay Casino until I come back to Vegas. (Thanks, Dad.)

Finally, a special edition to the Deep Thoughts column: The Rambin Gambler!

 back to top >>

The Rambin’ Gambler with Alex

Want to win cash? Want to look like a stud on the strip? Want to have so much success gambling that you’d win no matter what, even if you bet on the Raiders? You’ve come to the right place. My name is Alex, and I am what they call a gambling superhero. It’s a term reserved for the best, and be sure that if there were a more fantastic superlative, they’d give that to me, too. How did I come to be such a blindingly bright star? I went to Vegas with the SDSU hockey team. But enough about me, let’s talk about you, and how you’re never going to lose at the casinos ever again.

Now you can go to a place like Las Vegas, and you can gamble like a chump, or you can gamble like a champ. I say take the latter option, it leads to more girls and success in life. But if you’re happy fishing aluminum cans out of the garbage and donating blood every week for the free doughnuts you get afterwards, then keep living the dream.

My detailed guide to championship gambling relies on three pillars. First, always look good. Second, never treat any casino employees with an ounce of dignity or respect, regardless of who they are or what they say. Third, understand that only losers believe that, in the long run, gambling costs more than it earns. Remember, we’re champs here, not chumps. I only have limited space, so I won’t be able to cover the three pillars here, but they have virtually no relevance to the remainder of the column. Champs don’t worry about things like that. 

Let’s start with poker. If you’ve got some serious self-confidence issues, go play poker. It’s the best game to hang out with guys you really don’t want to hang out with. If you’re annoying, rarely invited to parties, or simply have an unquenchable desire to tell those around you how great you are, then poker is your game. Check any chance of talking to cute girls at the door; you won’t need skills like that in the poker room. In terms of strategy, I’d just play everything you get. It’ll throw your opponents off, especially when you constantly talk about how you’re trying to throw them off.

A game for real winners is Blackjack. Invented by Jack Black in the summer of 2004, the game requires the player to come as close as they can to the number 21 without going over. They also must have a higher number than the dealer. If you want to win like me, then you hit anything up to 19, regardless of what the dealer has. Also try to get 21, or “blackjack” as often as possible. One thing most blackjack players don’t realize is that you can contest the rules of the game, just like yelling at referees during hockey games helps reverse calls. You think that 18 should count as 21? Tell your dealer. Demand an explanation of the basic fundamentals of math until you make him understand that a difference of three is not enough to justify him stealing the money you placed on the table. Use force if necessary. Remember, they’re casino employees. They deserve about as much respect as the new kid did in grade school: none.

For the advanced gambler, try Spanish Blackjack. I know, Spanish anything seems like a bad idea at first glance, but hear me out. Spanish Blackjack is just like regular Blackjack only somehow, the rules are different. I can’t remember exactly how it differs; only you get paid for getting 21 no matter what.  And no one minds when you scream “Ole!” every time you get a face card.

Up until this point, we’ve been discussing small potatoes. If you’re happy flying in private jets, lighting Cuban cigars with 100-dollar bills and hiring Foreigner to play Juke Box Hero every time you enter a room, then stop reading right now. But for those of you who dare to push the limits of personal wealth, then by all means, read the following clearly: Roulette.

Roulette is a game as old as time. The modern casino version is a mere update from that which was played by Christopher Columbus when he discovered California millions of years ago. The object of the game is to guess where a small ball is going to land on a big, spinning plate of numbers, much like throwing lawn darts into crowds of people. But how do you know where it’s going to land Alex? Stupid question, rhetorical questioner. You can’t know, but you can assume. If the last number to come up was red, bet red again. If it was black, bet black. If the last number was in the second set, bet the second set. If it was in the first column, bet the first column. If the ball landed or zero or double zero, pray you’ve lived a pious life because the end of the world is upon you.

The trick is to follow your bets with increasingly larger bets, until you’ve got 500 riding on an odd number, or a few grand placed (strategically) on black. If you start to lose, don’t worry. It will all come back to you. Just keep betting until you start winning again.

I hope you find as much success as I did using the secret information discussed above. If you’d like to learn more about my loss-proof strategies, look for my book Basura: A Beginner’s Spanish/English Guide to Hating Las Vegas Card Dealers. (You can order a pre-publication copy now. Just send $300 – cash only – to Gambling Superhero Inc, P.O. Box 555, St. Johns, Antigua.) Remember: play like a champ, not a chump. And never tip your dealer.

back to top >>

Spaztecs Roll in Home Opener, Wake up on Saturday Naked in a Denny’s Bathroom

The San Diego State Aztecs Ice Hockey team began their 15th season last Friday with a win against the newly formed University of the Redlands Bulldogs. The Fightin’ San Diegans put up three TDs and a clutch two-point conversion to beat the dirty dogs 22-1. This is the third time in as many years that the Aztecs began the season with a win, though this year was the first time they scored 22 goals in doing so.

“I’m disappointed to say the least, but they really just out-skated us out there,” commented assistant coach Ben Smith, who unknowingly coached the Redlands team for the better part of the game after he mistakenly jumped on the visitors bench during warm-ups. “But I love these kids like they were my own sons, and I couldn’t be more proud of the grit and determination they showed while getting beat in such a spirit crushing manner.”

The Aztecs began the medieval beat down when Kolin Ozonian, who came to SDSU in a blockbuster trade with UC San Diego for a Playboy, some chemistry books and sixer of Smirnoff Ice, put in two goals in his first shift for the red and black. Ozonian finished the hat trick later in the first period with a dandy pass from sophomore Alec Nadelle.

“I was happy to see Kolly get the trick,” said Nadelle after the game, “But I’m really going to miss that Playboy.”

In no particular order, the other 19 goals were scored by: Tommy Neer, Adam Mark (first career hat trick), Eric Fruen (bored of hat tricks he gets so many), Mikel Stevens, the ghost of Will Charland (2), rookie sensation Bobby Finley, sophomore sensation Anthony Sansone, defensive sensation but no big deal in North Dakota Lane Smith, San Francisco 49er’s starting quarter back Alex Smith (goal credited to current San Francisco 49er’s starting game-watcher/obnoxious-commenter Alex Allpin), three-time world Dance Dance Revolution champion and current SDSU rookie Lance Peterson, and a few other guys (Asto-Nieto, Nadelle, Breitenstien, and rookie Jeff “Dangles” Vicencio).

Commented starting goaltender Jacob Kalmonson after the win: “I have no f**king clue who half these guys are.”

Indeed it has been a summer of almost pubescent change for the Aztecs, who lost several key players to a series of what must have been accidental graduations. Though most players were able to avoid the cap and gown catastrophe, we tip our hats to the unlucky few who were forced to stop sleeping during class and start sleeping at real jobs.

But seriously, those guys were dead weight. Now we can move on to a better future without having to drag around guys like Tim Kletzel (first Aztec to have his jersey retired… in a bar), and Adam York (former SDSU hockey president and current president of his senior center’s bridge team).

The Aztecs have added so many sweet new features to their program that validity cannot be more than a decade away, tops. They have a stellar new group of rookies, none of which admitted to using steroids, or even accepted the steroids offered to them after practice (wait until they see how buff we get). They have a new coach, Rick Miller, who coached college hockey in Michigan, and is already teaching some lesser-known strategies of the game (strategy 1: celebrate after scoring). They even updated their jerseys! Either I smell a national champion in the making, or my cat died.

Though the roster, coaching staff, administration and general appearance of the Aztecs has changed, the priorities of the team are still the same: one: look hot, two: touch hot ladies, and three: win the American Collegiate Hockey Association’s National Championship tournament. Though these goals are lofty, with the help of those drunk kids banging on the glass (our loyal fans), dedication, and some steroids, we will fulfill our destiny to bring a national championship in hockey to San Diego State.

Just don’t count on Deep Thoughts ever getting posted on time. Seriously, have you been watching The Hills? It’s So much better than this.

back to top >>